The Antiques Roadshow: a study on human behavior

by Joseph D. Reich


Usually when i climb up on my treadmill at night i like to turn on something
exciting like antiques roadshow but recently the way i been feeling around
the holidays and hit with a mild case of the melancholia couldn’t care less
about other people’s corny family histories or their sweet and innocent and
sentimental memories and being something of a trained therapist will instantly
and naturally be able to gauge and access their affect and expressions and
body language and how genuine and if they get a good estimation see how
they suddenly seem to really love that relative and get all reflective but interesting
how quick that emotion turns to a motive and become self-interested and those
memories don’t really seem to mean or matter so much and got that look like
where and when can i cash in and everything must go with that simple and
see-through glow or if they are disappointed or devastated or disrespected and
brought back down to their baseline of functioning only triggering that much
more being let down and cursed by this cruel and brutal fucked-up existence
like i never really ever liked them or cared much for them anyway in the first
place dirty and filthy rotten disgrace and by both reactions interestingly and
ironically with that selfsame great solemn pall of silence before and after they
provide the assessment either don’t seem to really care so much anymore about
those warm and heartfelt sentimental memories but more so can you tell me if
you got a check cashing place around here or fuck it am gonna just get a couple
cases of beer and think you more so would prefer some dude who was far
more genuine perhaps wasn’t so goddamn predictable and phony baloney
maybe even with a bit of the minor case of tourette’s disorder with features
of paranoia spouting out paroxysms like you’re so full of shit motherfucker!
you’re a freaken rip-off artist! swindler! a pillow biter! rat bastard! i should
knock out your fronts! staple your nuts together! be so much more a breath
of fresh air and not holding it all in pretending to be all charming and shit
and so much more real and down-to-earth and instinctive and them having
to do a physical restraint on him while as a distraction the wobbly t.v. camera
will pan in and do a close-up of the beautiful bronzed statue fountain of that
turn-of-the-century seductive siren smiling and simultaneously hearing in the
background i’m gonna kill you! i’m gonna kill you if it’s the last thing i do! kind
of the way i been feeling a little bit recently around this joyous time of gift giving.



He has been published in a wide variety of eclectic literary journals both here and abroad and his most recent books include, A Different Sort Of Distance (Skive Magazine Press), If I Told You To Jump Off The Brooklyn Bridge (Flutter Press), Obscure Aphorisms On A Fine Overcast Day (Lummox Press), The Derivation Of Cowboys & Indians (Poet Works Press), and Drugstore Sushi (Thunderclap Press).

Art by Mel Blossom


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