Fun Nor Fair and other poems

By Christopher Barnes


Fun Nor Fair

Scorn’s a contrivance that ticks.

     “With an hour of free time,
      Three balls and these instructions”

The skittle-alley’s polonaise is sheeny as varnish
On bubblecars going crewless.

     “Juggling has been touted
      As a great stress reliever”

Air-pocket pay-scales would debt me an hour,
Rundling supplied by gears, bobbing,
The bus home – just…

     “Throw a ball
      In a gentle arc”


Celebrating 50 Years In Recruitment
Job Title: Assembly Operatives
Details: Assembly Experience Is Essential,
Preferably Within The Automotive Industry.
Pay Rate: £6.68 Per Hour.

(QUOTES: Juggling Poet)

A jack-be-nimble buzz
Unloaded to constabularies,
Solicits a docket rummage
To side-note any women’s garb
Bagged, shut in a month.

     “The application of medical knowledge
      To aid the administration of justice”

Divers loosen-up, releasing the undertow.

     “Legal responsibilities of the physician”


These Toilets Are Closed
Alternative Facilities Are Available
In The Grainger Market
Or High Friars Mall, Eldon Square.
Sorry For Any Inconvenience.

(QUOTES: Dr. Dinesh Rao’s Forensic Pathology)


Soup Kitchen

Mr. Flint rib-digged the divvies,
Personal belongings all huckstered.

     “Action on charity tax-avoidance”

Axes to grind, flapping.

     “Charitable status”

Volunteers keep bright-side up
So do frost-bitten glitterati.

     “Amend the definition of charity”


Exclusive 68 Faceted Luxury
Set In A Variety Of Gold Rings
An Original Gift
To Be Remembered By

(QUOTES: Andy Ricketts, The Third Sector)
Media Studies

Homework for Pat Wires’ thesis
Didn’t dim with the pounce of flu.

     “A Scottish philosopher and economist”

There’s a Johnny Everyman rubric,
Wedge-driving, infecting squiggle-inked notes.

     “One of the most influential books”

Yawning’s in-the-know.

     “Gold and silver”

Not a post-haste staircase
To the eximious job…

     “Nobody would trade
      If they expected to lose”

TV Bed Package
Includes 32” LED TV
Lowest Weekly Prices!
From £15.00 Per Week
Free Delivery
Within 5 Days

(QUOTES: Adam Smith Institute)

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Christopher Barnes bio details…
In 1998 I won a Northern Arts writers award. In July 200 I read at Waterstones bookshop to promote the anthology ‘Titles Are Bitches’. Christmas 2001 I debuted at Newcastle’s famous Morden Tower doing a reading of my poems. Each year I read for Proudwords lesbian and gay writing festival and I partook in workshops. 2005 saw the publication of my collection LOVEBITES published by Chanticleer Press, 6/1 Jamaica Mews, Edinburgh.

On Saturday 16Th August 2003 I read at the Edinburgh Festival as a Per Verse poet at LGBT Centre, Broughton St.

I also have a BBC web-page http://www.bbc.co.uk/tyne/gay.2004/05/section_28.shtml and http://www.bbc.co.uk/tyne/videonation/stories/gay_history.shtml (if first site does not work click on SECTION 28 on second site.

Christmas 2001 The Northern Cultural Skills Partnership sponsored me to be mentored by Andy Croft in conjunction with New Writing North. I made a radio programme for Web FM community radio about my writing group. October-November 2005, I entered a poem/visual image into the art exhibition The Art Cafe Project, his piece Post-Mark was shown in Betty’s Newcastle. This event was sponsored by Pride On The Tyne. I made a digital film with artists Kate Sweeney and Julie Ballands at a film making workshop called Out Of The Picture which was shown at the festival party for Proudwords, it contains my poem The Old Heave-Ho. I worked on a collaborative art and literature project called How Gay Are Your Genes, facilitated by Lisa Mathews (poet) which exhibited at The Hatton Gallery, Newcastle University, including a film piece by the artist Predrag Pajdic in which I read my poem On Brenkley St. The event was funded by The Policy, Ethics and Life Sciences Research Institute, Bio-science Centre at Newcastle’s Centre for Life. I was involved in the Five Arts Cities poetry postcard event which exhibited at The Seven Stories children’s literature building. In May I had 2006 a solo art/poetry exhibition at The People’s Theatre why not take a look at their website http://ptag.org.uk/whats_on/gallery/recent_exhbitions.htm

The South Bank Centre in London recorded my poem “The Holiday I Never Had”, I can be heard reading it on http://www.poetrymagazines.org.uk/magazine/record.asp?id=18456

REVIEWS: I have written poetry reviews for Poetry Scotland and Jacket Magazine and in August 2007 I made a film called ‘A Blank Screen, 60 seconds, 1 shot’ for Queerbeats Festival at The Star & Shadow Cinema Newcastle, reviewing a poem…see http://www.myspace.com/queerbeatsfestival On September 4 2010, I read at the Callander Poetry Weekend hosted by Poetry Scotland. I have also written Art Criticism for Peel and Combustus Magazines. I was involved in The Creative Engagement In Research Programme Research Constellation exhibitions of writing and photography which showed in London (march 13 2012) and Edinburgh (july 4 2013) see
http://www.researchconstellation.co.uk/ . I co-edit the poetry magazine Interpoetry http://www.interpoetry.com/

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Photo by Kristi Harms